Wait….Were you thinking I was trying to forgive my daughter for taking her own life? For leaving us with broken hearts and sadness and unfathomable pain? No, that’s not it at all. There is nothing to forgive, I’m not mad, not even a little bit. I have empathy for her and could never be mad at her for any of this. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt any of us.
I will add a warning here for sensitivity reasons to a graphic picture. I don’t want to trigger anyone with a picture.
Just in case you didn’t start reading my blog from the beginning I will remind you of the reason for my blog and the reason I write about my daughter. It all starts here: https://pickingupthepieces63.wordpress.com/2017/04/30/my-daughter-jessica/
After several months of being bullied, and having supervisors constantly threatening her job, she had a breakdown at work. I was called to go pick her up, where they secretly pushed her out the back door of the office she worked at. Jessica wasn’t wound up and acting out, she was somber and quiet as if she had thrown in the towel. There was no reason she couldn’t have walked out the front door.
The office is a well-known Christian Mental health office. Her supervisor’s title has letters behind her name (LMSW LMFT) so it’s not like she is just an office manager. She is a social worker specializing in mood disorders, depression, BPD, anxieties, trauma and PTSD. Surely with her training she would have noticed that Jessica was not herself in previous months. Other employees have told me they noticed a change in Jessica, but they also admitted that they knew what was going on and knew that Jes was being targeted. No one did anything for fear of losing their jobs. The other co-workers I forgive. They have made their apologies and have learned the consequences of keeping quiet after observing office bullying. Besides, I know that Jessica loved them and respected them and understood why they kept their silence.
March 11, 2014 my daughter was fired, this was just 2 months after her break down, after suicidal ideations. They knew she was fragile. They called her in for a meeting and they terminated her employment and let her leave that office alone and in despair. She went home and called me, it took me just long enough for her to do this to her arm.
We took her back to Forest View Hospital, she was once again feeling hopeless and alone. She would need more therapy, would she ever be able to recover from this day?
So here it is…..my dilemma:
Am I ready….to forgive? Can I forgive the two people who made all of this happen to my kind, loving, happy, sensitive daughter? She had worked in this office for over 5 years, what were they accomplishing in the past several months before her break down? Is that what they wanted? Did they achieve their goals? Was it that they just wanted her to leave that office? I wonder every day, do they think of her? When they spend time with their families do they know that they helped take my daughter away from hers? How can I forgive them?
I read a lot about forgiveness how important it is and how unhealthy it is to hold on to anger. The Bible talks a lot about forgiveness. Below are just 2 of many passages I have read.
14 for if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you 15 but if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive yours.
31 Get rid of all the bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
I read a lot about forgiveness how important it is and how unhealthy it is to hold on to anger.
How do I forgive someone for something they have never acknowledged being even partially responsible for? How do I forgive if I’m not sure she isn’t still doing this to other people?
I guess I’m just not ready to open my heart to forgive, I will keep working on that…. For now I’m just not ready to FORGIVE.